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Jokes

Jokes

Back by popular demand... here is my 37th day of joke collections during lockdown and partial lockdown to hopefully cheer you up, especially since Phase 2 has been extended, and we cannot celebrate my favorite holiday in the traditional ways:

I wish my mom were around because she used to say if I didn’t straighten up, she was gonna slap me into next year, and right now, I’d appreciate being out of this one.

The elves are reporting that Santa said few people are getting anything this year, and he has ordered extra coal.

This just in: Snow White has lost a dwarf. Sneezy is in quarantine.

I don’t want to brag, but I got my highest score ever today! It was on my scale, but still.

This quarantine hasn’t been so bad despite my dyslexia, or as I like to write the word “dyslexia”: I have sex daily.

I remember when the rear view mirrors in cars had fun things around them such as fuzzy dice, a bride’s garter, or a graduation tassel, but nowadays all I see around them are masks.

My doctor said that despite the quarantine I should still do cardio, so I’ve been running from my responsibilities.

With all this self-distancing and being cooped up without outside stimulation, I’ve become more confused than a chameleon in a bag of Skittles.

We keeping hearing about “the science” but I’ve noticed the scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons, and electrons, but they keep neglecting to mention morons.

I tried to keep my body a temple, but since being stuck at home and eating nearly non-stop, and not getting outside much, my “temple” looks and feels ancient and crumbling and there’s a good chance it’s cursed or haunted.

My spouse says I only have had two real faults during this lockdown. One is I don’t listen, and the other one I don’t know because I really didn’t pay attention when they mentioned it.

Everyone in my quarantined house is getting forgetful, but I found a way around being blamed. I ask the others to remind me of stuff, and that way if they forget, it’s all their fault. So far the only thing they remind me of is fixing food for them.

My neighbor is a foreword thinking lawyer. He’s preparing a commercial that begins, “Were you traumatized by the shortage of toilet paper during the pandemic? You may be entitled to compensation.” I told him that wearing glasses with my mask has pretty much entitled me to condensation.

I have always wanted to be a ventriloquist, and now with masks being required, I’ve I pretty much mastered it.

Well, it’s been months since the lockdown began and today I finally got so bored that I ALMOST got started on my to do list.

Wife after months in lockdown: “I am not talking to you." Husband: “Ok." Wife: “Don’t you want to know the reason?" Husband: “No, I respect your decision.”

A husband entered the emergency room all battered and bruised announcing he was dying from Covid. The nurses were baffled because he didn’t have any of the symptoms associated with a respiratory illness, yet he insisted that was the reason. Upon further questioning they agreed. You see, his demise began when he told his wife he was upset that he couldn’t watch sports, and suggested she do exercise-type things he could watch such as her ironing, vacuuming, scrubbing, and cooking.

A husband complained that he was getting as fat as his wife during quarantine because of her fattening home cooking. A while later he asked what was for dinner, and she served him a napkin and a glass of water.

One of the suggested things to do during this quarantine is to update wills, medical directives, powers of attorney, etc. I had a heart to heart to with my kids saying, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine, and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.” Those ingrates got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine!”


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Kim E. Kimmy